This three-year mark passed very quietly. I didn’t make a huge spectacle of the third year of your passing. I didn’t plan an event or even write you a public letter, as I have done in the past. (until now, of course.)
It’s not that I didn’t think of you. In fact, I think I thought of you every second of that entire day. I think we were in constant conversation, as I struggled to finalize what I thought would be proof of my great healing. I wanted people to see that I can handle my life without you, and that it didn’t take that long to get here.
The truth is that I CAN handle life without you, but it’s taken some serious effort. And that effort still hurts. But for the Grace of God, have I strived to face each day with a grasp of any hope I can find. Because I miss you. And because I love you, still.
I have a learned a few things, and they have re-shaped my entire mentality. When this all started and you left me behind, I felt more alone than I had ever felt in my entire life. I couldn’t look forward to my future, because all that I had ever wanted selfishly, was taken away in one horrible, tragic moment.
Simply stated: my world was destroyed. Not my ENTIRE world, but everything I had built-in my little universe that I felt would fulfill me and make me happy for the rest of my life. You were the root of that happiness and the plan of my future. You were the love of my heart, and the soul of my identity. It took your carnal graduation, (for lack of a better term), to break down the false idealisms I had built around myself. I wanted to be responsible for my own happiness. I did not want to relinquish control of my life, even unto God, without making sure that you were part of my existence and our life would continue together.
But God always has other plans. And I’ve learned over the past three years that He doesn’t always share them with us; especially while we are making our own. Instead, He waits patiently while we contrive and operate our little systems of thought, for us to finally ask Him to step in and take over. Like us, He won’t accept simple navigational responsibilities. He wants the entire operation, and His place is the Captain’s Helm.
Does this mean that He took you away from me to teach me how to trust Him? No. But I believe He allowed you to be a part of my life because I could learn this lesson no other way. Your time on this planet was short, from the time you were born. In retrospect, all of our time is short. But in comparison, you were born into a life that would not last as long as others. Your affliction was genetic. You were born with weak veins, that had weak walls. Like your father and paternal grandmother before you, you would succumb to their weakness, unless you somehow found out about them before they gave way.
Like an ill-fated house next to a river bank, your levees were not strong enough to contain the flood.
This had nothing to do with me. This had nothing to do with you, really. Had you been able to control your aneurysms, you might have prolonged your lifespan. But not without much suffering and high risk. It does not make your life any less lived, or any less important. But only that your time was shorter than mine.
And even still, I believe that we were brought together to love and comfort each other. To procreate and bring our daughter into the world. I believe that we were meant to be together, even for the short time allotted, if only to teach each other what it means to love unconditionally, despite circumstance.
I do not believe in marriage after death, therefore you are no longer the husband I married. But you are still my family, and I look forward to the reward of seeing you in eternity, someday. This was my very first hope, and I clung to it like driftwood. It brought me to the possibilities that hoping in a promise such as this might bring. It was a seed that birthed my faith. Not a platitude of random words and pretty pictures, but a real faith, in something that I either have to deny fully or accept fully. I chose to accept, and thus, my healing began. It never stopped, even in the midst of my pride, my anger and my complacency. Today, no one can shake me from what I choose to believe. My faith in God, His plan for our salvation through Jesus Christ and the promise of living forever in His presence was essential in helping me accept what I have lost on this Earth. That faith will never be shaken.
And despite all that I have learned. Despite the strength I have gained, and the hope I can no longer shake by the mention of Death or anything else, I have not lost the love I had for you from the very beginning. I do not understand how this will pan out in God’s great plan, but I am not worried about it. For now, my heart remains oddly sated, even though I have not heard you speak my name for more than three years.
If you are looking upon me, as your earthly wife, and the mother of your children, I hope you see a woman who is healing, and finally at peace with our separation. I truly believe God has great things in mind for me, and for our girls. And despite what people may interpret, I still believe you peek in on us, even now. I know you are around. Just as I know that the Holy Spirit comforts me, guides and gets rather frustrated with me on a daily basis 😉
I still have a lot to learn. I still have a lot to go through and to process. But I have The Peace that passes ALL understanding. It is a current of hope within my heart that reminds me that everything will be OK in the end. And if it isn’t yet OK, it’s not the end.
I love you always, my Jonathan. I know you know this. I still cannot wait to see you again.
Maria
8 comments
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May 20, 2011 at 15:11
brittany220
I just read this and it made me tear up…I’m so sorry for your loss. This is a beautiful letter to Jonathon…
July 15, 2011 at 06:57
julia
this is a comforting post to me. i am at one year and i still have so much further to go to reach that point. i don’t feel God at all anymore…but i completely agree it’s a choice to either fully accept the gospel as truth or reject it and that leads to a life of despair and meaninglessness to me. anyway, thanks for writing.
August 21, 2011 at 02:57
Danae
so i am up…again. this bed seems unbearably large without my husband in it. he died not quite a year ago. i tend to busy myself with meaningless chores at night to avoid thoughts of him. one thought becomes a tidal wave threatening to take me under and i am simply tired of fighting to stay afloat. but tonight i had to tap into that dark place for fear the surge would come eventually and better here, now, in our bed than in some shocking public place or worse, in front of my two children. i googled “am i the only one who isn’t interesting in dating after the loss of a husband” and found your blog. i believe that God puts certain people, places, things in our lives for a purpose and when i am clear headed enough to recognize one of those moments, i take comfort in knowing i am on the right path. i think this blog was one of those moments. i was close to believing i was alone in all this. now i see that i am not. i am mrs. kevin stephen knorst. i have a husband. i do not want to pursue another man. i feel guilty because i know the kids so desperately want a father in their lives but this one thing i cannot grant them. my marriage, my love for kevin is the only thing in this world i believe in. it is like my religion in a way (don’t judge! 🙂 i made a commitment and i couldn’t give up on it if i wanted. i am completely satisfied with this decision. the void of love has been filled by kevin and his death doesn’t change that. i am sick of hearing that i will change my mind. i won’t and that is ok with me. why isn’t that ok with everyone else. i can’t take on anymore guilt and waving my kids about this subject makes me doubt myself as a mother and the guilt as i said…. how have you handled this and do you feel as i do, that you are being selfish and unfair to your kids? am i enough?
August 22, 2011 at 16:35
Maria
Danae:
I can completely understand everything you wrote in your comment. I had the almost the same mindset as you. With the exception of the “religion” aspect (no judgement here ❤ ), I was focused on NOT getting into a relationship right away. And THAT IS OK. You are a whole, complete person without having to have someone. Being in a relationship shouldn't validate someone – it should compliment them. Your husband was/is your husband. If you never have another one, you are still a whole, respectable person. You do not need to have another marriage or relationship to validate who you are, or who you want to be. In my opinion, (and I understand it's not a popular one), our society tends to identify themselves with who they are romantically involved with. Sometimes, it can seem as though our relationship status defines us in an unfair way. Because of this, many people tend to feel the need to rush into the next relationship as soon as possible, in order to avoid feeling alone and unworthy. I did this for years until my husband died. There was never any real "break" periods between breakups. And I carried a lot of unhealthy baggage into each relationship, (and marriages), as a result. I made a decision early on to not jump into another relationship right away. As time went on, I found out some great things about myself that didn't have to include another man to realize. I am NOT saying that those who choose to remarry or date sooner or later, (whenever), are doing something wrong. I simply believe they are doing what they think is best for themselves at the time. And I truly do hope it works out. However, as for me, regardless of how many times people have tried to convince me that I shouldn't or eventually won't be alone, I hang on to my own standards and aspirations. If I end up with someone again someday, then I'm OK with that. If I don't, then I am also OK with that.
As far as my girls are concerned, neither of them are really open to the idea of me being with someone again. Because of my faith, I trust that God knows what He's doing when it comes to them and how they are fathered. At this point, I AM enough. If that changes then it was the right time to change. God bless you. I know how much Widow-Somnia sucks. May we both find the peace we need to sleep at night. ❤
March 13, 2013 at 06:22
CandyCandy
I just came across your blog. My husband went to heaven 3 years ago on 11/10/2009. Within less than 4 month afterward both of my parents followed. I, too, am clinging to my belief and hope that I will see them again like clinging to a piece of drift wood. We are never to compare our grief, but I am not as far along in my processing as you are.
I also have cut all the negativity out of my life. My people pleasing days are less and less after all these years.
I have a blog to encourage and affirm widows at http://www.reflectionsfrommyporchswing.wordpress.com
June 19, 2013 at 04:38
Marko
Your blog has really touched me my wife went to heaven on the 26-06-2013 and this was due to aneurysm operation which went wrong I am really touched its like a replica but I give my whole Faith to God he is in control what ever decision i make in future its all from his guidance. There is great pain in losing a spouse you feel lost ,naked and with no purpose but the children in the marriage are the driving force.You ask why me but to whom did you what it to happen to its like fiction yet its reality.Sharing with others helps to comfort and bring peace because you realize that you are not alone.
God bless us all
December 26, 2013 at 12:00
John's Wife
Thank you. I’m sorry for your loss. I’m still grieving the loss of my husband, it will be two years coming up. Your post really expressed some of the feelings I’ve been having, but I couldn’t find the words. Thank you for helping me hear the words. I’m moving forward, “survivor” seems to be my middle name (which I don’t like having). And, my future seems bright (I’m making it so) but today is December 26, and I’m just reflecting on my Christmas without my John. Our second Christmas without my partner, without my son’s dad. We made it through it. We did well. But, there’s a big hole in what should have been. I’m struggling with how to make sense of that. Again, thanks for your words which are helping me organize and make sense of my whirlwind of thoughts and emotions. I hope you are doing well and finding peace. Thank you for sharing your journey.
March 23, 2014 at 04:14
Anonymous
It is so incredible how we each traverse life’s many and varied streams to ultimately arrive, with the guiding of the Holy Spirit, to God’s ultimate truth. But alas, your journey… I speak blessings unto you and yours. May blessings upon blessings upon blessings overtake you until they are all that you are left with at every turn. May blessings be upon you and your girls, Maria.