I’m almost three years out, and while I’m handling life fairly well, ( I think), I still have my moments of major frustration. Especially in regards to explaining things to people.
I know – Why explain? Why do strangers deserve any explanation in regards to MY life? I wish I could tell you how cool I am for not ever caring what people think about my social status, but the truth is that I am constantly comparing myself to other parents or mothers or even other wives. I want to give my children the most normal, functional life they can hope to have. And likewise, I’d like to enjoy what’s left of it. Unfortunately, the words “Single Mother” make it difficult to do in this society.
When I tell people I am a single mother, they usually nod. Some are sympathetic. Others shake their head in disgust. I’ve even had some people ask me whose fault that is, as if I should hang my head down in shame because I’m parenting children on my own.
My youngest daughter was 19 months when her father died. She knew something was different, if not wrong, because she began to really react to almost every new environment. It was hard for me, in the first few months especially, to stay focused on parenting when I could barely function myself. Whenever we were out in public, I couldn’t sit down for a meal because she couldn’t sit still. Meltdown status was always right beneath the surface for her, and my oldest and I had a hard time with the stares and the sneers. The people who obviously either had perfect children or none at all were always offended by our presence. In the mall, at the grocery store, at church – I was the mom who “obviously needed God in her life, because no Godly household would have a child acting like that.” (Yes. That was said to me once, too.)
I tried to explain myself a few times. I tried to explain that I was a widow, whose husband died very suddenly. No, he wasn’t a drug addict. (Because only drug addicts die suddenly.) And no, he wasn’t overweight. His aneurysm was genetic. I have the paperwork explaining it all. There have been many times when I felt like pulling it out and having those who so rudely commented on my life read it and understand that I had no hand in this. That I would have NEVER wanted Jon to die and leave me with two children to raise by myself. And that I know as much as anyone else (probably more so), that he was the smarter, wiser, calmer, stronger and braver one of the two of us. As much as it pains the ego to admit, I probably needed a lesson as powerful and life-changing as this one to get over myself and become the person I would much rather be.
As I become her, I realize that I owe no one any explanations. I realize that my faith in God is solid, and that He speaks for me when my life is in question. I realize that will raise my kids the BEST way I know how, through Christ who strengthens me. And Yes, it IS possible for someone to get married, divorced, married again and then widowed by the time they are 31. I am not an anomaly, and my girls are not living in a ‘broken home.” Everything in this house is in fine working order. I make sure to keep it that way.
When my children grow up and have families of their own, the only real thing that will matter is that I am their mother. That is all the explanation that anyone really needs.
Maria
I Lost You: My life after sudden death 
7 comments
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April 20, 2011 at 05:23
megan
oh my – I found myself getting so very angry and defensive for you just reading this! You know, the thought in my mind reading the “obviously needed god because no god house would have that” comment…? I want to go to that person, and quietly and calmly say “perhaps you are god for her in this moment. How would your god respond?”
And then my more snarky side steps in and passive-aggressively says loudly enough for them to overhear – “obviously that person needs god in her life, because clearly no one who is actually close with god would be so condescending and judgmental.”
I have struggled with this one too, wanting to show documentation to idiots, or just clueless thinking-they-are-well-meaning people. But you are right – standing in our own knowledge of what is truth is way more real and satisfying.
April 20, 2011 at 20:55
Maria
Thank you – this post took me a LONG time to write, because I always felt like I had to pretend it didn’t bother me that people were so judgmental about my parenting or my status. However, I realized that I accepted my widowhood with more pride than being a single mother, and I realized it was because I was manifesting the shame that other people expected me to have. It’s a lie, and I am finally happy to admit that I have two great children in SPITE of our circumstance đ
April 20, 2011 at 06:32
Wendy
Wow…I love this. I’m sorry you have had to deal with such overt questioning of your parenting. I haven’t had anyone say anything to me (yet) but I can just feel it bubbling on the surface at preschool. I know those moms are wondering where my husband is and why he isn’t listed in the school directory.
April 20, 2011 at 21:06
Maria
I’m trying to raise my daughters to avoid the pop-judgement mentality that is so prevalent within our female population. Everyone we know is fighting some sort of battle that we can’t see. Some people struggle with things that are easier for others, and vice versa. Being on the “bad” side of that pop-judgement can be very discouraging, and I allowed it way too much power in my life. Posting here makes it easier for me to avoid reacting in less productive ways. đ
April 20, 2011 at 12:15
Tamara Lyons
What a powerful statement! I can relate, as I lost my husband suddenly, in an accident, when our son was just 8 months old. I too, was married and divorced in my 20s and then remarried and widowed in my 30s. Reading over your posting it sounds like you live in a place where people are judgmental and some are just plain mean! I have not had the same experience with my friends, family or acquaintances voicing all sorts of stupid opinions. Not sure what part of the country you live in, or if you are able to contemplate a move, but it may be worth exploring other places where people mind their own business to a greater degree than where you currently live. I know that your children will thrive with you where ever you choose to live, I just think that for your own sanity it may make sense to live in a more open-minded environment.
April 20, 2011 at 21:03
Maria
I’m so sorry for your loss!
As much as I understand your sentiment, and especially your advice; moving to avoid anything never works. I know this from experience, but I’ll be honest when I say that I’ve thought about it quite a few times.
I’d rather thrive where I’m planted, so to speak. đ (Not to mention having just bought a house that I can’t leave…hahaha )
I’ve sort of grown up under the eye of judgement from the social masses, whether it was back East or here in the West. I suppose I just had to learn that it only matters what people think when I want it to, and to live by my own standards. Regardless of where I go, I have to remember that mentality and keep it with me. Thank you for reading!
December 11, 2012 at 13:41
Charli
Hello, Im Charli. I enjoy reading your posts. They make me feel like I am not alone. You’re married, divorced, married, and widowed comment hit close to home. I am 22 years old. I was married at the age of 16 and divorced shortly after. At the age of 18 i met Tony. He was everything I’ve ever wanted. He had full custody of his two little boys. We married a year later. Because of his demanding job, we decided that I would stay home with the kids and homeschool them. So I put off college. This summer he was offered a promotion to move out of state and we decided it was best for our family. I had no idea my husband was struggling with his own demons. He committed suicide three months ago. I didn’t know anything could hurt so badly. I feel very estranged from the world, as if Ive been living inside of a bubble for the past four years. Thank you for your posts. It is nice to see that there is a future for me.