There are stones beneath my feet. I grasp the largest ones to pull me forward. This mountain is so steep, I forget that I’m not only supposed to hold on for dear life. I’m supposed to be able to climb it.

I have not forgotten us. Or that today, six years ago, we became a two. My entire world changed so much; I have never been the same.

I hate how you will only be a five year moment in my long life. I hate how it seems to signify you with the smaller things. You were so much more important and catastrophic than that.

So maybe the point is to not define us by the short time we shared, but the love that we had. It is a lifetime love, and we are caught somewhere, between one breath and eternity.

My only reality does not include your face in my line of sight. I’m afraid of what I’m supposed to do with all this time. And yet, who says I have that much in the first place?

Today, Jonathan, I miss you. I love you and I wish you were here. Tomorrow, I may not have to miss you the way I do. Tomorrow, I could see your face in Paradise. But until that happens, I will continue to remember you, and us, and everything else that defined the greatest season of my life.

I will try to remember not to be afraid to live.

 

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