I am almost ten nine months out. It has almost been ten nine months since my husband died to this world, and entered into the next.  I have come to believe that I have not lost him, as most would despair; but that he has beat me to the goal. The path to the same place is different for us, even though we thought it was the same.

But I am not writing about that right now. Because, I’ve only begun to understand certain things about his death, and why God can’t just “make it better”

Well, technically speaking, I believe He can. But the God I believe in is a God of order. He has structure and continuity. He does not go back on His own rules.

As far as the East is from the West…  In Psalm 103 v. 12, David wrote about what God does with our confessed sin. He throws it as far as the East is from the West, and remembers it no more. This is a very specific and dramatic metaphor. Literally, the farthest distance between the East and the West is a straight line. A simple pivot would suddenly change it’s direction.  To keep something East from ever going West, it can never stop.

I was thinking about this. I think it’s one of the coolest metaphors in the Bible. Isaiah also talks about this in Isa. 36:17 “…He throws it behind His back”

God does NOT want to rehash our sins over and over and over again. The object of forgiveness is to LET IT GO. To not hold a root of bitterness towards someone and their transgression. It’s an incredibly hard thing to do for the average prideful human, but a necessity in every instance it calls for, whether we like it or not. 

The reason why I bring this up is because during the first seven months after Jon passed, I BEGGED God selfishly to turn back time and give me a second chance to get him to the doctor before he died. I promised Him that I would thank Him for the rest of my life, and even dedicate my life to whatever ministry He saw fit, if I could just have a chance to save Jon. And it took me over six months to figure out why God didn’t work that way.

Actually, it took me seven months to accept that it wasn’t going to happen, and the last few weeks to really understand why I cannot go back in time. The reason is simple. God doesn’t go backwards. If He did, even if it was only in MY life, (and it would be impossible to do so without affecting everyone else, even if they didn’t realize it), all the sins that I have committed, and repented for during the past 10 months would have to be revisited. And forgiven sin cancels itself out. Once you confess your sin, God is faithful to forgive, and get rid of it. I was once told that if you ask Jesus two minutes after confessing  what it was you were asking forgiveness for, He wouldn’t be able to tell you.

And yes, I am aware that regardless of our spiritual status with the Big G, we still have to pay our consequence to the world. It’s just how the Natural is supposed to function right now. That’s also something that cannot be changed. (Although, I believe God helps us with this, too!)

But because of that rule, and the rules of Grace itself, God will not go back and change our fates. He will not redo the consequences of life after it has been done. He doesn’t work that way. I’m sure that He has the ability to do it, but, as it says in Isaiah 55:11 – “So shall my word be that goes forth out of my mouth: it shall not return to me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.”

I’ve literally heard God yelling this to me for months, because I didn’t understand why it would be so bad to give me a second chance. I kept hearing the same words over and over again “MY WORD DOES NOT COME BACK VOID!”  It does not “come back” and it prospers where it is “sent”.

When things are set into motion, the World reacts. Everything in the World moves forward, for good or bad. The World does not spin counter on it’s axis when it feels like it. It always spins the same way.

We do not get younger when we are born, but we age. We do not walk through our lives backwards. But we take steps on paths, with our faces forward.

I’m writing this because I understand now, that regardless of how hard this has been for me, and everyone else, I have to keep moving forward. I have to keep going. Not just for my children or because the Sun will probably rise tomorrow, but because I am still alive on this Earth. I still have to walk with my face front, towards every goal, every hardship and every thing in-between.

I am not healed from my grief because I understand this. But I am definitely healing. I am definitely grasping what seemed so impossible to grasp. Yes, it hurts, but the truth often does.  However, I would much rather love the truth, and deal with the harsh pain of reality, than to beg and plead for things to be different, despite how impossible.

Ultimately, I am being lead to the same place Jon has ended up.  And I can only get there if I keep moving forward.