I know I’ve sort of neglected this blog. I moved out of my old place into a new one, and I really procrastinated with reconnecting to the internet. Then I procrastinated even longer with setting up my computer. For a minute, I was in a luxurious state of denial, and going back online, looking for Jon in every corner wasn’t appealing.

But I’m back. I survived the six-month-mark, feeling like a coma patient who just realized she was in a different decade. Where did all that time go? What Grace has passed to me, that helped me survive this long? I don’t even know.

I do know that I’ve made small, tentative plans for the next year. Nothing too drastic (although buying a house is one of them – and that could prove to be hard. We’ll see about that one…) and all of which are attainable. I’m not looking for anything else beyond that.

I also went through a faith-shaking season, where I wondered if there was a God at all. Not because Jon died or because I feel extremely isolated and vulnerable right now, but because I realize a very specific tenant of my faith was missing. Basically, I didn’t really believe that God loved me the way everyone said He did.

Of course, He had to love the world to send His only Son to take the punishment of every single man, woman and child and suffer the entire consequence for them. (John 3:16) But as a singular person, I could hardly imagine a God that actually loved me. He’s GOD! And He made BILLIONS of people. He KEEPS making them. Despite our tremendous short-comings and our blatant disregard for Him; He doesn’t stop making more and more people. One could only think that Heaven must be a HUGE place.

But the whole “love” thing…yeah, I didn’t feel it. Aside from the “Smile, Jesus Love You!” thought, God was a disconnected judge, who looked down in Fatherly Grace for the Son who saved us all. Otherwise, we didn’t exist to Him.

But somewhere along my journey in the last month, I realize a very crucial detail to the figure I know as “God” and what He really is about. He’s not disconnected. He’s the ultimate parent, wanting the best for His children. He IS love, and because of this, it occurred to me that it is impossible for God NOT to love us. It’s impossible. I know I know – the old lyric “nothings impossible…” But if there’s anything I’ve learned about His nature, it’s that He doesn’t go back and do-over. He doesn’t change His mind and say, oh wait – NEVERMIND! I know – I’ve bargained with Him time and time again about how easy it would be to give me another chance with Jon, or maybe just let him live another year longer. Another day, even. But nothing is ever the same as it once was. Not in this world.

Basically, I’ve learned that God doesn’t love me for what I do, or don’t do, but because of who He is. He IS love, as we know it. He IS the feeling of holding our newborns for the first time, or having a great night with a bunch of friends. He IS the moment we realize that we’re going to marry this person or that person. Every one of those  feelings of love that we experience is another part of Him. We cannot love without Him, and He cannot NOT love us.

It’s crazy to think about. This whole time, I could have really gone to Him and let Him in on the crap I was dealing with. I’ve started to, and it’s obvious to me that the burden of living without my husband has become lighter. It’s still there, and I miss him just as much. But the lump in my throat doesn’t burn so badly. And my broken heart doesn’t ache so much.

I don’t really know what this has to do with losing Jon, and I realize it’s more about my faith than anything else. But I did realize something the other day, that makes sense to me. I realized that Jon was the ONLY person that I felt unconditional love from. Ok, maybe my dad, on occasion, but even he needs to be coddled because of his issue with rejection.

Somehow, no matter where we were in our relationship, Jon always conveyed that he loved me. Not only do I have written proof, but everything he did in his last years revolved around me and my children. I have no doubt that he loved me as much as he said he did. Even when he was a jerk.

Because of this, I really had no room for God. I had no need for Him. Jon was everything to me. My identity and my security was in him.  God made up the ingredients but He was not the main course. Is this bad? Possibly. Jon was the god of my idolotry, and the sun in my sky.  It wasn’t Jon’s fault, and I don’t think I did it deliberately. But I had no need.

And so I never knew. I never knew that God’s love was more secure and gave me my own identity. It was there for the both of us, and had we only known, things could be very different right now. I don’t believe God took Jon, as some people would. I believe that Jon was a victim of a fallen world. A world where our bodies come out broken and cursed. I believe that because we chose to create our own path, without guidance, we put ourselves at risk. People do it all the time, and it’s amazing how they always blame God. They never talk to Him (or even acknowledge Him),until something crappy happens, and it’s usually to blame Him.

I cannot go back and change the past. I cannot make different decisions than the ones we made last Spring.

But from now on, I can believe that He still has a purpose for me, and that He wants to prosper me, and not harm me. I believe that He can fix this. Not in the way that I would want, but I can trust Him to do it the right way. (Jer. 29:11)

These are deep breaths. These are moments of clarity. The only thing I have to look foward to right now is the next moment of clarity. That’s enough for me, right now. I realize that no man can fulfill the void I’ve had in my life. Not even Jon. But because God can, I can believe that I will see him again. I can believe that Jon and I will really be together again, in a different, yet totally loving and amazing way. I cannot wait.

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