..could they ever catch you there? First you tell me not to fret, then you frighten me again…

Early this morning, I drove my girls to Spring Mountain to watch the Perseid’s streak across the sky.

They didn’t stay up for the trip, and I ended up watching them alone, and thinking about Jon.

Sometimes, the sky seems more like a lid, than a vast expanse I can’t possibly imagine. I think it’s because I realize Jon is so far beyond that expanse, that this entire world seems minute and so insignificant to him now.

I feel claustrophobic under the stars anymore. They seem close enough to touch, but they are nothing but an illusion. There is no spoon. There are no stars. This all is a means to an end.

I cried alone, in the bed of our truck, where we had spent nights looking up at the vast expanse and talking about everything. Where we had spent nights watching movies at the drive in, or looking absently at the Vegas Skyline. And last night, I sat in it, alone, and realizing that it will always be this way.

I know what God says. I know what His words say. I know what He did for me, and I accept that fact. But I don’t know God beyond that. I don’t know Him to be a companion, or a friend I can talk to. Not like Jon was to me. I suppose the most logical thing anyone would tell me is that I need to GET to know God that way. But I don’t know how. I read His Word, and while it makes perfect sense, it feels like just words.

People talk about loving God wholly, with abandon. I want to feel that way. I want to love God from up close, instead of from afar. I want Him to be more than a star, in some other Galaxy. I want Him to be as close as Jon was, because there is this hole where he used to be. And I’m told, that God will satisfy that need. God will be with me, when I’m more alone than I ever have been.

Saying it is one thing. And I can tell myself that I believe it all day long. But I need to KNOW.

Because everything feels fake and plastic. Everything feels ridiculous. Everything feels like a joke. Who am I, without my husband? What will I be?

Underneath the stars at night, I feel like a butterfly, stuck in a jar.  I will suffocate in here.