How does that apply to me? I keep wondering, because I’ve survived three months without my husband, and somehow, I feel more tired and worn than I ever have. I’m just happy to have made it three months.

But I don’t feel as though I’ve conquered anything. I feel worse than last month, because I’m scared to death of my future. I know – what kind of Christian am I if I am scared of anything?

An honest one.

I have to move at the end of the month, and I have to do it pretty much alone. I have friends and family here that want to help me, but the truth is, my daily phone calls and text messages are dwindling. People want to get back to their lives that are free of death and the destruction it causes. My life is like the aftermath of a horrible storm. My house has blown down. Where are all my pieces?

I don’t feel as though I belong anywhere. I suppose it’s because I have struggled to have an identity and a place to belong for most of my life. And I realize that perhaps my life has followed a pattern that I had nothing to do with. Well, for the most part. I’m sure I could have made different choices, but I don’t think I’d be any happier now.

What worries me is that my girls are experiencing very similar lives. My biological father never wanted to know me. Ever. While I was lucky to be adopted by my dad when I was 2, I think I still struggle a little bit with the obvious rejection. He knew I was his; why didn’t he want me? I have accepted the fact that I will never know.

And both my girls are struggling with something similar. My oldest hardly hears from her father, unless she’s going to visit him twice a year. He doesn’t call, and doesn’t write. He gives me a million excuses and I’m sick of them all. She’s just as fatherless as my youngest daughter, who has no daddy at all anymore. It hurts. It hurts to see my girls have to suffer without a man in their lives. How will they have an idea of who God is, if they have no man to really compare Him to? Jon was an incredible man and a willing and eager father. WHY DID GOD SEE FIT TO TAKE HIM AWAY? WHAT DID I DO THAT WAS SO WRONG?

I’m supposed to remember the promises God made His people, and to remember that I am one of His. But I don’t really feel that way. I feel sort of..cast away. I don’t feel connected to anything, other than my girls. I don’t feel like I have the strength to raise them alone, and yet, I have no choice. I’m scared and I’m lonely. I miss Jon so terribly much.

All I can think of is lying there, with his body, in the ICU, while they searched round-the-clock for organ recipients. He was just a harvest, then. But he was still my love. That is what I was doing, 3 months ago today. Sleeping next to a dead man, with a heartbeat and warm skin.

I shouldn’t be up this late. The Grief Monster hunts especially in the dark of night.

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