For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false.  Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay. Habakkuk 2:3

I have been struggling with this Scripture since the moment I turned my face back to God and sought out His guidance for the rest of my life.

Yet it keeps coming. It keeps popping up everywhere, and I have not forgotten it. Does it mean that I’ll find an end that is peaceful? Does it mean that everything will make sense soon? Does it mean that God will give me an answer as to what I’m supposed to be doing with my life?

I can’t tell. All I know is that my first question is “Why should I have to wait if it won’t tarry?”

Sometimes, in my moments of somewhat-wise thinking, I am reminded that God is still in control. Even though He allowed through His permissive will, my husband to die and leave me here to live out the rest of my days, I know He has some sort of plan for me.

No. That’s wrong.

He doesn’t have a “sort of” plan for me. He has a definitive, direct course of action that I will someday take. When that will happen is beyond me. So far, I’m stuck in Limbo, with my arms flailing about like an infant, while I gain my footing. I tend to forget far too easily that God has me in His hands, cradling my family like a broken chick, and keeping me still.

The concept of Still is incredibly uncomfortable for me. All my life, I have had the tendency to look forward with great anticipation everything that would be coming in my future. Sometimes, with anxiety. But the idea of looking forward to something, instead of sitting in a vacuum, waiting for my life to reboot, is much more comforting. I hate not having a plan or course to direct me. But God seems to be saying that I must be patient. God seems to be telling me that I will miss something if I don’t slow down.

I am taking up the challenge. I am taking a break, and stepping back.

This past week, my church had a huge conference of prayer and deliverance. They call it the “Holy Spirit Conference”, and it is always a most amazing experience for me. I have attended maybe 2 or 3 of these conferences, and this time, I really felt His presence. I always believed it was there, but this time, I felt like I was a participant in the healing God was doing through the speakers and the leaders of my church.

At this conference, it was spoken over me that I must be patient, because I will be OK.

I’m not as impressed with the actual word of knowledge (and I’ve had some interesting ones lately), but moreso the confirmation that I already knew. Get in the word, seek My face, knock on My doors…those are the only things I have been led to do. God seems to want my attention, and without distraction, even.

But I wish I knew what I’m going to be doing in my life. Before, I was a wife/mom/homemaker. Now, I’m single mom/widow/bread-winner/homemaker combo! And it is incredibly hard. It’s only been about three months since my sweet husband died, and I am already overwhelmed with my daily task as a single mother. My daughters are confused, grieving and fearful. They are just like me. They demand 90 percent of my attention, and the entire burden of their welfare rests on my shoulders. When I think about it, I think about how I hope God is really real, and really “The Defender of widows, and Father to the fatherless.” My kids and I are in need. My daughters deserve a Father they can count on to teach them self-respect and confidence. When I think about what they’re missing now that Jon is gone, I can’t help but think to myself: God better show up and do His part. My girls deserve at least that!

I don’t think that God WON’T show up – but I do want the very best for my daughters. They are all I really have, and I don’t even really have them. When it all comes down to it, my girls belong to God. I am simply blessed to take care of them here on Earth.

The path to patience will be a hard one for me. God is teaching me to seek Him so passionately, that I STOP trying to take over the steering wheel, and allow Him the controls for a change. This is so incredibly hard for me. I have this frustrating need to exercise as much control over my small life in every aspect of it. Most people do, because we are taught that not only are we entitled to a life that is indulgent and pampered, but that it’s a noble thing invest in a large amount of personal control over every part of our lives. It’s what a responsible, ethical and intelligent human being does with their life. They go to school, apply their knowledge and reap the benefits. There is no thought for the greater good, because the greater good comes from our own good.

But that is so wrong.

Only God can truly guide our paths and lead us to the future He wants for us. And it is never a future that doesn’t include mighty things in His name, and WORLD-CHANGING effects if we allow Him to totally take complete control.

It’s such a hard thing to do. I know, because I am trying hard to do it right now.

But I have no choice. No decision, process or product of my past has come to bear decent fruit without the Hand of God over it. Even my marriage didn’t survive, not because God cursed it, but because we were too self-absorbed to allow Him into it. Had we put God first, like we said we did, I’m sure Jon would have felt the prompting of the Holy Spirit to get checked out by a doctor, and avoid death. Maybe it would have worked and maybe not. But I know that his decision to avoid seeking medical attention was not his best.

And for the record, I don’t believe it was a “punishment” from God, because we weren’t exactly the type of Christians God wants to brag about. I don’t think God “punishes” His people at all. Through our own actions and decisions, our consequences punish ourselves.

It doesn’t really matter anymore. I have speculated the maybes and what-ifs until the sun has risen, and I have not gotten a moments peace when I have done that.

Instead, God tells me to wait, because He plans on showing me the direction with which to turn.

Well, God…I’m waiting.