I was thinking about things tonight. My usual drive home is painful, like always. At first, I’m ok, and I just focus on the road.

And then I hear something that he would find funny, or I drive past some place we were, and I crumble. The world falls apart and the grief wells up inside me. It bubbles out in the din of the freeway. The tint on the truck is so dark, no one can seem me crying. I heave. And my throat closes up tight, to where I almost want to throw up. I cry out; “WHERE ARE YOU??”

I don’t know whom I’m asking anymore. God, or Jon.

I miss him.

I was listening to a couple talk about their past trials and sufferings. How they persevered because of Christ and what He did while they suffered as a couple dealing with cancer. They spoke of their miracles to anyone who would listen, in order to give hope for the hurting, and the suffering. To date, the female of the couple is cancer-free. I don’t know how long, because I came in somewhat late in the message, but I know that she still is.

One thing that sticks out to me is that he said that people do not go through suffering and trial unless God has a plan for them. And if you’re going through a trial, then God is going to use you. He’s going to use you to reach out to those without Him, who are also suffering. The difference between those who believe and those who don’t is hope. Without hope, there is no faith. Faith is the evidence of things hoped for; the substance of things not seen. Heb. 11:1

I know that I have reached out and grasped my flailing and very weakened faith, because at my core, I am a preacher’s daughter. I am the girl who remembers scripture in the middle of the night, after a dream that I can’t quite describe. Deep down inside of me, I am still a believer. God is still who I believe in.

And after 10 weeks of the worlds WORST emotional roller coaster, I think I want to have a purpose.

I don’t know even know what I want that purpose to be. And I don’t care, really. I just want one. And yes, I know people will reiterate that I am a mother, and that is greatest purpose of all. What a crock of camel dung. Yes, I understand that being a mother to both Wes and Aurora is my top priority and my FIRST purpose. And I understand that it should be my main focus. It was my main focus when I was a happy, married housefrau, and it is STILL my main focus now. Despite the fact that people think I’ve forgotten that fact – I have not.

But there is a deep, empty place where the term “wife” used to be. The role of spouse, lover, friend and partner is now reduced to one word: widow.

And even though I need to continue my role as mother, because that is what I have always done, I also need a NEW job, that changes “widow” to “????”

And I don’t think that will include “new wife, ” either. I don’t know why I feel that way, but I’m starting to accept it. And I think it will have something to do with what God has in store for me. Maria. Not Jon’s Maria, or Weslee and Aurora’s Mom. But just Maria. As I was created to be.

And I’m ready. I know I will still fret and bawl. I know I will still stand at his grave and weep. I know my tears will still water the grass atop of him. But I will also perservere. I will also change my world. And those who are in it better be prepared.

God doesn’t do things without making a serious impact. His plan is global, and I’ve just realized that I am a part of it.

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