My love..

This is the day that we were supposed to spend together. I have said this before, but the words ring in my head, like woeful echoes. The accoustics of my heart bellow. I am alone here.

I haven’t cried this hard since you died. And the level of which I have been broken has deepened. If I ever thought that it wouldn’t get worse, I was wrong. I’m going lower and lower into the depths of the worst sea. I once dreamed that I swam in black water, with only the souls of other women to keep me company. I couldn’t find my way.

Sometimes, all the dreams I had before this happened seem ridiculous. They seem like sitcoms by comparison to the actual movie. And the movie version always sucks.

We were never meant to be this far apart. We spent 18 months with multiple countries and an entire ocean between us. We held on for dear life because of the promise we felt we had in eachother. Little did we know that our entire world was built on an hourglass running out of sand.  If only…

Your presence in my life has changed so many things in me. For some, all they know is Jon and Maria. We were a pair that fit in all catagories. Emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. We had a connection that was strong enough to withstand 6000 miles between us, and not miss a beat when we were finally together again.  For others, they have just learned of me, and even they realize how much we were meant for eachother. Yeah – we were lucky. You were, anyway. And you can’t have lucky without unlucky, or you don’t know the difference. I have learned the difference.

My life is a shell. I put all my eggs in your basket, and now, I have none left to put anywhere else.

Tonight, I begged God to not let me wait too long. I don’t know if that’s a valid prayer. I know that I meant it. I know that I don’t want to live too long. I know that all I want is my journey to end, like yours did. It’s not unfair that you had to die. It’s unfair that I have to live.

And no one gets it. No one understands that the faith you and I had in the end, explained how our reward is the end of this life as we know it. It’s the Eternity that people strive for. And I cannot wait to get there.

I’m too tired to listen to everyone’s reasons for living here. I am too tired of hearing people say “Don’t say that” or “Stop saying things like that”

It’s easy for them to say. It’s easy for everyone else to tell me how wonderful life can be here, when they can go home to their loved ones and not hear their children cry and ask for their Daddy. Those things they never have to subject themselves to. They don’t have to wake up everyday knowing that they will face it alone, and with regret. They don’t have to force themselves to fake it every single day, so that they don’t have to hear people get exasperated that they are still so broken, so sad. For them, life is so much easier to live.

But I can’t do this for very much longer.

So, my dear husband, who is the love of my entire life…Please put in a good word for me. Please tell God that I need a break. I need my moment in the Son, when all the colors in the light come together and bring me home.

Because I want to live on the Otherside. With you, forever in His presence. I love you. I love you still.

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