Almost two months.

It doesn’t make sense. Some moments, I am completely aware and understanding that Jon isn’t coming back, that I won’t see him until I die and that this is my life now. I think in the now and I can function.

Other days, I think I pretend that he’s coming back in a few months. That death isn’t forever, and that all I have to do is wait patiently. That somehow, God will come back sooner than people think, and the world will end as we know it, but begin as God knows it and everything will be wonderful again.

It is so hard to think that I might have to live another 25-30, even 50 years without him.

I don’t want to. Not at all. Not in the slightest.

I hate that my friends feel bad about that. I’m sorry. I don’t want them to mourn me, too. But it seems like such a LONG time to live without the one person you could never see yourself living without. What does God expect me to do now? I hope He has plans. And I hope they include more than just working/school/daughters/sleeping. I used to want such a normal, quiet life. No drama. No excitement, other than the excitement of having a great family.

Now, I want to do something. I want to fill the time focusing on ministry or anything else. I want to have a purpose. I don’t want my purpose to be “Jon’s widow” – I want it to be something more like “Jon’s Survivor”

It’s a funny word they use in obituaries. “Survived by” I wonder if they mean it as “they live through these people, in their memories.” It makes more sense to say “And these people will survive their loss, and live on because they have no real choice”

Jon is survived by me, his children, his parents, his brother, his nephews and nieces, my sisters, my mom and all of our friends, old and young alike.

We all survive his loss. It’s hard to do.