I keep seeing you, walking out of our room, in your adidas pants and bed-head, rubbing your eyes and getting something to drink.

“You coming to bed soon?”

And most of the time, I would.

I would come in, and lie next to you, with our rugrat in the middle of us. Sometimes, I’d lay with her on one side of me, and you on the other. Your legs would find mine, and we’d pass out in the perfect fit that we had. We were safe. We were peaceful.

If I fantasize hard enough, will that ever come true?

No. I know the answer to that one. But it is so hard, tonight, to not imagine you sleeping soundly in our bed, waiting for me to come and join you. It’s so hard to not think that you’ll be getting up in the morning, and getting ready for work. It’s so hard that I cannot call you up to tell you everything.

And the realizations keep coming. They hit me like bricks from a rocket launcher. You’ll never text me again. You’ll never send me another email. You’ll never call my phone again. You’ll never send me another flower, or buy me another birthday card.

The Nevers.

They haunt me like ghosts. Tiny spirits of things so recently past, I can still feel them. I can still feel YOU.

I miss lying on your chest, and listening to the sound of our loud heart beats. Your arms would hold me in their tired way, and we would be calm. I can even smell your scent, underneath my face, and my hands know your arms so well, I can imagine them running up your arms, to your face. The face I love so much.

Even in the darkness, I could see you sleeping. I could see your soft mouth in such repose. I can close my eyes and imagine your hairline, and forehead. I would run my fingers on your head, as you drifted off, because it was so perfect. I loved to touch it. I loved to run my fingers through your hair and watch you sigh.

More Nevers. More things I will never get to do again.

They’re piling up. Stacking high in my soul, and weighing me down. If I let them go, I’m afraid your sweet memory will vanish. And as much as I am in anguish, I’d rather remember the pain that comes with what I’ve lost, especially if it means those memories stay fresh, forever.

Someday, my love, they won’t hurt as much. Someday, they will just be bittersweet, and comforting,even.

You said once, that you would send me someone down the line, so that I wouldn’t be lonely.. We should never have spoken of such things…

…Send me you. That is all I want.

Goodnight, Jonathan. I love you.