I thought we would have so much time…

Doesn’t everyone? Everyone thinks that. Jon had no more sex headaches. He had migraines, but he always had those. He would be fine. We’d get his migraines checked out eventually. Soon. The Future. We had tons of time.

But we were so wrong.

May 9th, I remember waking up to Jon in the shower. He was in there for awhile. Longer than normal, and when he got out and got dressed, I watched him move. He moved slowly. He was tired. When he saw me watching him, he sighed.

“I got a bad headache in the shower”, he said. Then he laid down on the bottom half of the bed, so that his head was on my belly. I gently ran my fingers through his hair, still wet from the shower. He sighed.

“Did you take anything?”, I asked him.

“Not yet. I’m going to take some medicine before I leave.” And we were silent. I continued to rub his head, and our daughter, Weslee woke up next to me. She saw her daddy and smiled. He smiled at her, and she layed back down. The three of us stayed like that for a minute. Maybe longer.

“Alright, I have to go.” He said. Jon got up, told me he loved me and that he’ll see me “Same Bat time, Same Bat place?” I nodded yes, and told him I to leave his card. Then I said “I love you too!!!”

Something was off. I knew it. He was so tender lately. He seemed like he was asking for my forgiveness with his actions. That’s the only way I can describe it. He had no reason to ask my forgiveness. I had no reason to think this. I just felt as though he didn’t want to leave. That he was sorry for another headache. That he didn’t want to go to work.

I should have known.

I spent that day running errands, getting baby shower presents for the next day. I stopped by my work and bought stuff for the party, and I bought his graduation present. A brushed-metal clock set in glass. I had it engraved to say “JON! Congratulations, love Maria, Aurora and Weslee.” I couldn’t wait to give it to him. I was scheduled to pick it up the next day.

He totally knew about it. I remember telling him later that afternoon on the phone “I have to stop by the Meadows Mall after the baby shower. I have something to do.”

“Ok. Speaking of which, who else did you send my graduation announcements to?” He answered. I answered him before I realized he knew I had gotten him something. That was somewhat normal for us, however. We were always reading eachother’s minds.

When he got home that night, there was a strange look in his eyes. He seemed happy, and excited. He seemed like normal Jon, only slightly mischievious. What was he up to? I asked him over and over. Are you mad? Are you ok? Are you mad about something that you’re not saying because you think you’ll get over it?

His answer was a simple but truthful “No. Absolutely nothing is wrong with me.”

I sent him off with our daughters to fetch my Mother’s Day presents and to drop off our oldest at her grandmothers. While I was home alone, I felt strangely uncomfortable. Scared even, and I attributed it to the break-in we had in December. I turned on the iPod and did one of those dumb iPod surveys. I cleaned the kitchen.

He came home with Weslee, who was tired and ran to me. She was asleep in no time, and Jon and I debated what sort of totally awful fast food we were going to eat for dinner. I didn’t want to cook. He didn’t want to wait.

Finally, WAAAAY LATE, we decided on Carls Jr. His last meal was a Western Bacon Cheeseburger and a big Squirt. When I was waiting in the drive through, I sent him multiple text messages about the lady who seemed to be ordering the entire menu in front of me. We laughed. He called me a hater. Those were our last text messages to each other.

After I had come home, and we had eaten, I was messing around on the computer, and he held Weslee in his arms, watching T.V. The time was getting later, and I had to get up early to buy things for the potluck baby shower we were attending the next day.

“Are you about ready for bed, Sweetpea?”

He said that so tenderly, I almost thought he was talking to Weslee. But I am the only person he called “Sweetpea.” He called no one else that. Ever.

I remember just hearing it warmed my heart.

“Just a moment!” I told him. I should have just said “Yes. Lets go.”

A few minutes later, I turned off the system and we went to bed. We spoke of the day, and how nervous I was about stupid things. He was cool as a cucumber, and I asked him once more, if there was something wrong.

“No. I swear – nothing is wrong.”

Then my phone rang. My mother had decided to come over and sleep in Aurora’s room. Jon and spoke with her a few minutes in our doorway, until she decided to sleep. He made sure to tell her she was welcome in our house anytime. It never mattered. I was lucky that they got along so well.

Before we finally fell asleep, he told me something that sticks with me. I had explained that I felt weird in the house when he left, and I felt especially weird in the truck when I left to get dinner. His answer validated my feelings.

“I feel like I should be ready for something. Like…somethings coming.”

I have never heard him say that before. And I had never seen the look in his eyes like I did that night. It was one of excitement and intensity. Something about his psyche knew. Something about his soul knew he was going to leave me the next day. Consciously, I don’t think he knew. But something about him knew it was coming. I just wish we both understood what was going to happen the next day. I just wish I had the tiniest bit of foresight to get him to the E.R.

But instead…we went to sleep, thinking we had all the time in the world.

Advertisements