Jonathan
I keep seeing you, walking out of our room, in your adidas pants and bed-head, rubbing your eyes and getting something to drink.
“You coming to bed soon?”
And most of the time, I would.
I would come in, and lie next to you, with our rugrat in the middle of us. Sometimes, I’d lay with her on one side of me, and you on the other. Your legs would find mine, and we’d pass out in the perfect fit that we had. We were safe. We were peaceful.
If I fantasize hard enough, will that ever come true?
No. I know the answer to that one. But it is so hard, tonight, to not imagine you sleeping soundly in our bed, waiting for me to come and join you. It’s so hard to not think that you’ll be getting up in the morning, and getting ready for work. It’s so hard that I cannot call you up to tell you everything.
And the realizations keep coming. They hit me like bricks from a rocket launcher. You’ll never text me again. You’ll never send me another email. You’ll never call my phone again. You’ll never send me another flower, or buy me another birthday card.
The Nevers.
They haunt me like ghosts. Tiny spirits of things so recently past, I can still feel them. I can still feel YOU.
I miss lying on your chest, and listening to the sound of our loud heart beats. Your arms would hold me in their tired way, and we would be calm. I can even smell your scent, underneath my face, and my hands know your arms so well, I can imagine them running up your arms, to your face. The face I love so much.
Even in the darkness, I could see you sleeping. I could see your soft mouth in such repose. I can close my eyes and imagine your hairline, and forehead. I would run my fingers on your head, as you drifted off, because it was so perfect. I loved to touch it. I loved to run my fingers through your hair and watch you sigh.
More Nevers. More things I will never get to do again.
They’re piling up. Stacking high in my soul, and weighing me down. If I let them go, I’m afraid your sweet memory will vanish. And as much as I am in anguish, I’d rather remember the pain that comes with what I’ve lost, especially if it means those memories stay fresh, forever.
Someday, my love, they won’t hurt as much. Someday, they will just be bittersweet, and comforting,even.
You said once, that you would send me someone down the line, so that I wouldn’t be lonely.. We should never have spoken of such things…
…Send me you. That is all I want.
Goodnight, Jonathan. I love you.
-Maria
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June 11, 2008 at 10:12 pm
Susie
I was up in prayer last night. Praying for Jonathan. Knowing a month had passed and still in wonder of why. I think of you so much and I know that there is nothing anyone can do to take the pain away. The best thing for us to do is to tell you that we love you and are there for you.
I did not know you until that day. That day that I wondered if I was intruding or if God had just wanted me to be there. My family loved Jon. I was there to be with Anthony but never imagined that even though I am so much older than you, that you would teach me what true love is. You have shown me the love, and devotion you had for Jon. I don’t want to even claim that I know what you are feeling. I can tell you that you both will forever be in my heart. I am so proud of Jon for having found such a beautiful woman to share his life with. He was lucky too!
Maria, I would like you to be my friend when you are ready to do so. I thank you for allowing me to be there through such a personal matter in your life. I truly did not know what to do for you and so I prayed along with my tears at the loss of your Jon, our friend and neighbor, our angel on earth. I read your blogs everyday and I go to bed in thought. I try to realize how easily we can all be in your situation and to not take for granted the one we love. Again, you don’t know me well but I love you. I love you for no other reason than my heart wanting to comfort you but knowing that I am not able to. I love you for the love you continue to write about. Hang in there my dear girl and may God bless you.
Susie Hayes (Anthony’s Mom)
mariaazucena@aol.com
June 12, 2008 at 5:17 am
Maria
Susie –
I was so blessed for your phone call the other day.
It’s the strangest thing, where I have always had plenty of friends, and some of them have been very close, now that Jon has left us, I realize our relationships were based on how I made them feel about themselves. They cannot fathom my pain, and realize it. They cannot identify with me, and because their lives are going in the direction of their own destiny, it is obvious that we weren’t as close as we thought we were. It’s a fact that makes me sad, but a truth that I accept.
On the same token, I have gained new friends. I have gained new people whom I would never have considered, and they treat me like family. They treat me with love and consideration, even though they don’t know me that well, and/or only know me through Jon.
It is the sweet, tender consideration of those friends that have reminded me that on those days, when I feel my lonliest, and I feel like God has walked away, that I am certainly not alone. No, no one really knows what to say, or where to go or how to talk to me, but to those that understand that my pain is deep; I am so grateful to. I don’t expect people to know what to say or what to do. I don’t even know, myself.
But your love and true prayers are FELT. I FEEL THEM. When I am sinking, I call upon God and Jesus. I call because I have no one else to call upon. No one else can possibly know – and then I get peace. The pain stays but the peace is impossible to fight and I feel rest.
It is far and few between. I am often using my energies to fight the tears that want to spill all day long. But when I get that peace that only God can give, I can finally rest.
“Come unto me, all ye that labor, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me, for I am meek and lowly of heart. And ye shall find rest, unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light” – Matthew 11:28-30
I truly believe that is what I have been have been experiencing, and I know it is because of the prayers that you and others have been praying. Please continue to pray for me and my girls. That is the MOST and BEST thing you can do for us. I love you too. I really do – You are my friend. One of the new friends that God has graciously brought to my life.
-Maria Kintner
June 12, 2008 at 3:00 pm
sumijoti
Maria, I just wanted to say hello and thank you for your comment on my blog.
My heart goes out to you and I am still praying. Many hugs,
Sumi